Some wounds can be trusted

Do you remember the toy, "Stretch Armstrong?" He was an action figure toy with arms and legs that were meant for yanking on, yet he had some sort of stretchy slime inside of him that would allow his extremities to expand way beyond recognition. Then once left alone for a time, he would eventually return back to his original shape...ultimately to be picked up once again and stretched...over and over. That was basically the point and the purpose of this child's toy.

Lately, it feels like I can relate. And for me, being stretch isn't nearly as fun as this toy makes it look!! It's painful and hard...especially when the stretching involves something you really don't want to do...

Like confronting a friend. Figuring out how to lovingly speak a truth, especially when you know it is a truth that will most likely wound another to the point that they no longer consider you to be a friend. It's something I felt I needed to do, yet every part of my humanness fought against it. Some people thrive on conflict. Not me, I try to avoid it at all costs.

Here I was, trapped between a rock and a hard space. On the one side I felt pressure to tell this person all the things they wanted to hear because that way they wouldn't be upset with me...or disown me as a friend...or worst of all...hate me.

Yet on the other side, there was an equal amount of pressure (that I believe was conviction from the Lord) constantly nudging me to do this unpleasant thing.

For weeks I wrestled with it. What to do, what to do? Do I risk loosing the friendship and obey the Lord or do I keep the friend and ignore God? I wish I could say it was an easy decision--but it wasn't.

It took a while to muster up enough courage to obey the Lord and confront this friend but...I finally did it. And while I know without a doubt that I did the right thing--still, knowing that my words have wounded another has been a bitter pill to swallow.

Then this morning, God woke me from my restless sleep with these verses from Proverbs 27:5-7

*"Better is open rebuke than hidden love."

*"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses"

*"He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet."

It was the reminder I needed. Doing the right thing isn't always easy...but following God is always right.

And as painful as the wounds of a friend can be, God can and will use them to grow and stretch us...if we let Him. When our hearts are contrite, our spirit is humble, and we are hungry for more of our Lord...that He can take that bitter thing and miraculously turn it into sweetness in our lives.

And at the end of all this--that is my sincere hope and prayer for you...my wounded friend.

Making something Vital into an Idol

It seems to be my nature...to take something that I consider to be fundamentally important and somehow turn it into something sacred or worship worthy--not realizing that I have made that vital thing into an idol.

Then in one quick swoop I am made aware of the fact that I have been placing an unhealthy amount of reverence upon said important thing.

--"The greatest enemy of the life of faith in God is not sin, but good choices which are not quite good enough."--Oswald Chambers

That quote describes me to a tee. Allow me to share a personal example:

I spent the first decade of my marriage exploring and implementing the 'what' and 'how' of being a godly wife. I read books, attended seminars, joined bible studies, carved out romantic get-a-ways and tried just about anything and everything imaginable in order to create marital serenity and security.

But somewhere along the way I had inadvertently constructed my own golden calf. Thinking the path of being a godly wife was to place my marriage upon a pedestal and actively bow in reverence to it.

All the things I had been doing to strengthen my marriage were (in and of themselves) good, vital things. One could even argue that they are necessary for any marriage to remain strong. Yet I was doing these things IN MY OWN STRENGTH. There was no trusting God involved when it came to striving to be a godly wife.

I trusted that my own efforts would somehow be enough to keep my marriage relationship secure...
they weren't.

Matthew 6:24 teaches that you can not serve two masters.
"You can't worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you'll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other." (MSG)

I thought my "marriage god" would protect me from the outside world...I willingly placed my faith in it because I believed it alone had the power to keep me happy and safe. I adored it, worshiped it and considered it sacred!

In hindsight I can clearly see the truth of Matthew 6:24 . Now, I wouldn't go as far as to say that I hated the other God in my life (the one true God) but I was definitely pulling away from HIM.

That's the thing about having more than one god in our lives...when we pursue one, it always results in us pulling away from the other.

Service to one equals neglect to the other.

God always, in one way or another, reveals our idol worship to us. Often times He simply exposes the flaws in what we see as flawless...or the lack of value in that which we considered priceless...the imperfect in what we regarded to be idyllic.

When God revealed to me the sinful idol worship that was my marriage --it broke my heart too see that I had single handedly taken something good and vital (my desire for a healthy marriage) and twisted it into this despicable idol.

Our nature wants to mold the vital things into idols things: Money, relationships, love. Even something as vital as our quiet time with the Lord--while an important part of our christian walk...yet if we revere the ritual more than the relationship it puts us at risk.

God's word teaches that active worship always...ALWAYS involve sacrifice. Along with our worship, (whether it be to an ungodly idol or to the one and only true God) we must be willing to forgo, give up, surrender or forfeit something.

For example:

If we choose to worship money--something will be sacrificed...maybe our relationships or our time, maybe our integrity or our future security.

Personally, in choosing to worship my marriage--I sacrificed growing in my relationship with the Lord, as well as discovering who I was as a child of God...apart from being a wife. I sacrificed my own identity.

Even when we worship that, which is indeed worship worthy--our Heavenly Father, it will involve sacrifice. We may be called to place our desires, natures, fears, and hopes upon an alter in sacrifice to our Lord.

The good news is--when we sacrifice ourselves to our Creator, the payoff is always ten fold! Probably not in the way we expected, but always in a way that is for our own best. God doesn't bother blessing us with anything less than the very best.

And more good news, even when we botch it, by making an idol from something vital--just as soon as we confess it and repent or turn away from our sinful behaviors, God can reverse the damage we've done!

All those years of hard work, trying to create the perfect marriage, yet ending up making a huge mess of things...it seems like a big, fat waist of my time, right?

Well, I got to tell you--once I laid my desires for a trustworthy, safe, happy, comfortable and loving marriage on the alter of sacrifice to the God of this universe--HE performed the impossible!! Not only did He resurrect a completely hopeless, (absolutely no chance of ever coming back to life) dead marriage. He has blessed it beyond explanation and imagination, in such a way that only He could ever do...

And I know that if it wasn't for my years of wasted effort, followed by utter hopelessness regarding ever being able to salvage the marriage...

if I hadn't experienced the misery--I wouldn't appreciate the miracle.

This June 29th, my husband and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary!! PRAISE GOD!

"To God be the glory, great things He hath done!"

http://www.hymnsite.com/lyrics/umh098.sht

I should be in AWE! Not in blah...

Right now things are going really great in my life--in truth, they couldn't be better! (Why do I always feel the need to cross my fingers when I say that?)

My marriage relationship is phenomenal (PRAISE!) and my kids are all doing well. My husband’s job is stable. There are no financial struggles right now and everyone is healthy!

Personally, God keeps throwing me little these bones--nothing gigantic, but just enough to keep me encouraged enough to continue on this particular path that I've been going down for the past year or so and I am grateful for that.

However, for some odd reason, I have this weird case of the blahs right now. I can't really explain it or put my finger on why. I certainly don't like feeling this way, especially considering all the blessings that are raining down in my life right now...nevertheless, it's there.

What's up with that?
It doesn't make any sense considering my life right now...
I should be in AWE!!
Not in blah...

My self critical nature keeps pointing at me accusingly,

"Shame on you!
There’s so much good in you life and yet you’re feeling blah!
What’s wrong with you?
Do not share this with anyone—it’s embarrassing!
Keep this on the down-low."

But I've learned that trying to hide it or pretend something isn't there is just silly because God know the secrets of the heart (Psalm 44:21). Since I can't hide it from Him, why bother trying to hide it at all?

There's no denying it's there
whether or not it's right or good,
unfortunately, it's very real.

As I began to mull over this awkward feeling of not having my emotions match my circumstances—I began to see a theme in God’s word where others struggled with this as well. I am not alone!! And I’m not weird (well…at least not in THIS area!)

“A sure faith cannot expect to be free of occasional doubt or anxiety. Believers have a perpetual conflict with their own diffidence (hesitancy, reserve, timidity)…”—Reverend Charles Hodge (1797-1878)

Psalms 42:5-6 (message) “Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God— soon I'll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He's my God. When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse everything I know of you…”

I read that quote and verse and I am instantly helped. It reminds me that having the blahs (or blues as this verse says) is temporary and soon I will be praising again!

And it gives me something constructive to do when I am down in the dumps—rehearse everything I know about the Lord...

*He is my strength, my song, my salvation ~ Exodus 15:2
*The Lord is abounding in Love ~ Numbers 14:18
*He is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer ~ 2 Sam. 2:22
*The Lord is just ~ 2 Chronicles 12:6
*The joy of the Lord is my strength ~ Nehemiah 8:10
*The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble ~ Psalm 9:9
*The Lord is righteous ~ Psalms 11:7
*The Lord is my shepherd ~ Psalm 23:1
*The Lord is my light and my salvation ~ Psalm 27:1
*The Lord is powerful and majestic ~ Psalm 29:4
*The Lord is the one who sustains me ~ Psalms 54:4
*The Lord is compassionate and gracious ~ Psalms 111:4
*The Lord is our judge, our lawgiver, our king ~ Isaiah 33:22
*The Lord is my helper ~ Hebrews 13:6

Then after I’ve reviewed some of the things I know about my Lord…almost like magic…I start to feel my blah changing into AWE!

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~ Isaiah 40:31

I can already start to feel my spirit rising!! Soon I'll be soaring!

Is intimacy really into-me-you-see?

A friend of mine just shared that cute little play on words with me; telling me how much she desires to find that true intimacy with her husband and how she admires others who seem to have it.

Isn't that something we all desire? Intimacy with our spouse?

Yet, something about that definition of intimacy just didn't sit right with me, especially in regards to a marriage relationship. Don't get me wrong--it's memorable...and I wouldn't even go as far as to say that I won't repeat it. On the surface it's most definitely noteworthy. Yet as I began to contemplate it beyond it's catchyness, I've got to say I think a saying like that can quite possibly do more damage than good...

After all, how well do our husbands really know us? How well do we know them?

That question reminds me of a gift my husband bought me several years ago, for my 30th birthday. He's always been a very thoughtful gift giver and this (being the big 3-0) required extra effort on his part. So he surveyed all my friends, did his homework and proudly handed me a card with a certificate for a day of pampering at a local resort. At first I tried to be enthusiastic and appreciative...but within minutes I was in tears.

"You really don't know me at all!" I would never go to one of those places...I mean, look at these pictures on the procure! It's a bunch of young men rubbing oils all over naked women--I could never do that! I can't believe you didn't know that about me."

I was heartbroken that this man I'm married to didn't know me well enough to know that I'm just too shy to ever let a stranger pamper me like that. (Keep in mind--this was 13 years ago...today I've gotten over my shyness and I love a spa day! I'm still not comfortable letting a strange man give me a massage though...)

What happens, you see...we wives have this somewhat unrealistic expectation that intimacy is supposed to mean...in-to-me-you-see. And then we resent it when our husbands get it wrong.


I can't tell you how many times I've counseled women whose deepest desire is that their husbands could read their minds and know what's in their hearts.

I hate to break it to you ladies...but as much as we think we know our husbands and we hope our husbands know us--in reality they do not (nor will they ever) know our every thought or understand every single thing that is inside of our hearts. At best, the intimacy we can achieve with our spouse is nowhere near the kind that we can have with the Lord.

Psalm 44:21 tells us that God "knows the secrets of our heart."

Psalm 139 tells us that:

The Lord knows me (vs. 1).
He perceives my thoughts (vs. 2).
He is familiar with all my ways (vs. 3).
He knows every word completely, before I speak it (vs. 4).
He searches and knows my heart (vs. 23).

One book (The Transformation of the Inner Man-by John & Paula Sandford) states that "God gives us a beloved enemy (our spouse) to force us spiritually lazy people to face what is undealt with in our flesh, else we would go through life ever congratulating ourselves that we are okay with God." it goes on to say that when two imperfect people marry, and become close, it creates a grinding and polishing process that is in fact designed (by God) to be at times, quite painful.

Think about it...if our husbands met our every need and knew us completely--inside and out, then would we really need God? Probably not. By God's design, the marriage relationship should be challenging enough to help us realize that we need Christ more than ever!

As we embrace God's sometimes painful plan to transform our lives. And as we live with our mate and work through problems together, ideally we will strengthen our ability to trust in the Lord and grow in our intimacy with our Creator. That intimacy with our creator will draw us closer to our spouse than ever! It's a win-win.

I believe the very best thing we can do as wives, to strengthen our marriage, is resolve to trust in the only one who can truly:

see-into-me.

Strength is over-rated! Weakness ROCKS!

I guess my mind is playing tricks on me again...

I can take a few little bits of information and spin them up (in my mind) into a concoction that seems to take on a life of it own.

This may come as a surprise to ya'll, but...
I have issues.

One of my many is that I can take just about anything said or done (by others) and turn it into some sort of self criticism about me.

For example; If someone were to tell me that I looked nice today - I can take that, twist it and receive it as meaning that I didn't look nice yesterday. (it's crazy - I know!)

My most recent self condemnation experience was when a few ladies just stopped attending my Bible study on forgiveness. At first I told myself all the right things like: "It's just not the right timing for them." or "they probably had a scheduling conflict."

But my heart screamed..."no, it's you!
They're not coming back because they don't like you!"

Why does wrong thinking sometimes feel so right? I had convinced myself that there could be no other possible reason.

Finally, I mustered up enough courage to actually ask one of these ladies why she was no longer coming to this weekly Bible study. Her response couldn't have been more encouraging or sweet. She clearly shared that her inability to attend had absolutely nothing to do with her not liking me or the study. Once again I let my insecurities get the best of me.

So then I just felt foolish - what a big, fat, waste of my time. I had spun up this tangled web of false fabrications...all built upon the fault line of incomplete, inaccurate information.

Why do I do that, Lord?? Am I the only one who see's my flaws so much more clearly than my strengths?

Come to find out...the answer to that question is a surprising - "NOT AT ALL!!"

I'm not the only one who's been infected with a bad case of the self-doubts. Actually, I've got some pretty impressive company! There are two particular biblical figures that I can really relate to regarding my lack of confidence:

First - Moses...

Father God speaks to him through a burning bush and this is how he responds:

- "Who am I that I should go...?" Exodus 3:11
- "O Lord, please send someone else to do it." Exodus 4:13

Realizing not everyone called by God responded like the profit Isaiah with a enthusiastic "Here I am. Send me!" (Isaiah 6:8) was both comforting and reassuring to me. God can and does use those of us who are plagued with uncertainty.

Second - Gideon.

The angle of the LORD appears to Gideon, addressing him as a "mighty warrior!" and his reaction...

- "but Lord...I am the least in my family." (Judges 6:15)

Most of us know much of what Moses went on to do...(little things like parting the red sea, making water come out of a rock and leading the Israelite s out of their land of slavery - just to name a few)

Gideon went on to do something pretty miraculous as well. He obeyed God who told him to take only 300 men with him into battle. They defeated 120,000 swordsmen. (judges 8:10) Seriously, that's one man for every 400 swordsmen. Those are some crazy odds! I guess having God on their side gave them a serious advantage.

Both of these men were completely riddled with insecurities and self doubts yet they pushed through their self critical natures and intentionally did a few simple yet significant things that set them apart to be used by God. 1. They trusted and 2. They obeyed.

A few of my friends have asked me, "why do you always do that to yourself...beat yourself up like that?" My response, most typically - "I don't know how not too...If I could stop it, I would!"

What to hear something even crazier? If I let it, questions like that can actually fuel the fire and make me more insecure about how self critical I am. (See...I told you...I've got issues.)

So I've decided that instead of trying to change my nature - I'm gonna bathe my weaknesses in the Word of God:

* ...I (God) will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak (Ezekiel 34:16)

*That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses...For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12:10)

*If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. (2 Cor. 11:30)

*But he (God) said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Cor. 12:9)

Then, after my self doubts are all squeaky clean from being washed in God's word...I'm gonna do what both Moses and Gideon did. I think this old Hymn say's it best:

Trust and obey
For there's no other way,
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey.

Am I a maker of trouble or peace?

Several days ago, I'm was sitting at my computer preparing a Bible study lesson on the beatitude - "Blessed are the peacemakers" (Matthew 5:9) when out of nowhere, I found myself unexpectedly engaged in a heated argument with my husband.

How is it possible that one minute I can be deep in Gods word and the very next I'm doing the exact opposite of what I was just reading about??

I'll read, "don't argue" and next thing - I'm arguing.
I'll read, "don't lie and...what-do-you-know - I'm lying.

"It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up" (Romans 7:21 MSG)

What is it about that word don't that makes me want to do???

By the time I finished with my rant (which, by the way, was completely justified...or so I thought) and returned to preparing my Bible study lesson on peacemaking, God had already convicted my seemingly hypocritical heart.

On the one hand, I was totally psyched about the things I discovered regarding being a peacemaker - yet, on the other hand my behavior towards my husband seems to exemplify something completely contradictory.

Ugghh - when will my walk match my talk?

Thankfully, God has the ability to work ALL THINGS together for good. (Romans 8:28) I find it so amazing that He can take our messed up actions and attitudes and somehow reshape them into something He can bless.

The same morning that God convicted me regarding my argumentative conduct toward my husband, He also took me on an interesting journey of discovery. Revealing some new things that have me rethinking some old behaviors. Maybe what I've discovered will help you as well...

Right-a-way the Lord brought to mind the old Proverb about how it's better for a man to live on the corner of a roof than with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 21:9; 25:24) I can clearly visualize my husband, up there, curled into a ball, soaking wet from the rain and shivering cold - yet more than happy to be there and grinning from ear to ear. Why? Because he's not in the house with ME!

I thought it was interesting to discover that the word "quarrelsome" is only used a total of seven times in scripture. Once referring to men and how being quarrelsome causes strife. (Proverbs 26:21) Once as a commandment in 1 Timothy 3:3; listing the things that an overseer must not do or be. And then FIVE times this word is used in Scripture in reference to being a "wife."

Of those five times, two are in regards to residing on a roof as I shared earlier. One states that it is better to live in a desert that with a quarrelsome or ill-tempered wife. (Proverbs 21:19) and twice a quarrelsome wife is referred to as a constant dripping. (Proverbs 19:13; 27:15)

To me, what makes this discovery so substantial is that this is God's word!...not my husbands. To be honest, if my husband told me that I was torturing him (as in the "constant dripping") or causing him to suffer to the point of death (as in "living in a desert"), or making him want to take residence on the roof; I'd probably tell him to "talk to the left hand, cuz you ain't right..."

But to realize that God is telling me that my quarrelsome-like behavior inflicts pain and suffering upon others - namely, the person I've chosen to spend my life with...well that carries a lot more weight and it makes me want to work on changing my argumentative tendencies, especially towards my spouse.

Discovering that "quarrelsome wife" is used five times in Scripture was an eye opener for me. Giving me several new insights:

1. God knows us so completely that He even knows our tendencies. He recognizes that simply being female, increases our chance of having a propensity towards hot-tempered outbursts...especially post matrimony.

2. Each of these "quarrelsome wife" statements are intentionally shared as a proverb. The definition of proverbs is: a short saying that expresses an obvious truth and offers advice. God keeps it short and simple, not pointing the finger or condemning - just stating the truth...leaving what we do with it up to us.

3. God doesn't just leave us high and dry. Whenever He shares a hard truth with us about our sinful behavior, He promises that we will receive a blessing when we change our attitude, and consequently - our actions.

Matthew 5:9 states, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." The message Bible says, "...that's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family."

Peacemaker: someone who brings peace and reconciliation to others.

So...bottom line is; It's my choice - do I choose to be quarrelsome and cause much strife? Or do I choose to bring peace and reconciliation to my relationships, which hastens the Lord's blessings in my life?

I choose blessings!

Resolutions suck!!

So it's the new year...uugghh. Why is it that every December I decide that the very best thing I can do is to come up a list of things that I'm supposed to change in the upcoming new year? --

Yup, starting January first I'm going to be a new woman...improved, enhanced and excelling in all things!

Yet for some reason my entire DNA screams, "DON'T DO IT!! Your just setting yourself up for failure AGAIN." But I say nay-nay...I refuse to listen to that naughty voice of negativity! "After all, I can do this! This WILL be THE year that I finally achieve my ultimate ideal for myself."

Already, the short list of my personal resolutions for 2010 are:

loose weight
eat right
exercise
stop chewing my nails
read my bible more
wake up earlier
do devotionals with my kids
spend less
save more
and the list goes on and on...

Yet at the end of the day (and each year so far)...all I'm left with is this sinking feeling of being a failure. It plagues me with it's constant reminders that I couldn't do what I set out to do. It mocks and teases and points and laughs...I hate it yet it seems to happen year after year after year.

I've always had this idea of what the perfect day would be like. It would start with me waking up before the kids so that I could have my quiet time. Then I would cook them breakfast and we would have family devotions while eating together. Next, I would clean the mess, pick up the house and get some laundry going while they did their chores and got ready for school. Then our homeschool day would be chock full of exciting and rewarding educational things. And of course that evening after having some time to just connect with my honey - we'd play a family game, or go for a walk...all the while enjoying each others company and creating lasting memories.

Then I wake up and reality hits (and bites sometimes too...)

Unfortunately, in my 24 years of being a mother and wife - I've yet to have that perfect day. To be honest, the last time I cooked my kids breakfast on a weekday...they asked "what happened, mom? Did someone die? Did you and Dad get in a big fight? What's wrong?" (true story...) Truth be told, they were visibly concerned by my cheerful morning demeanor! (I'm not a morning person)

So I've spent much of my adult life feeling like a failure. Because I have this unrealistic expectation of what life SHOULD look like...and since it has never even slightly resembled my idealistic view of perfection, it only makes sense to conclude that my inability to achieve success must be primarily due to my lack of resoluteness...right?

WRONG

A few months ago the Lord began to show me that I've gotten it wrong all these years. It's the familiar verses in Romans 7:14-25 where Paul is speaking about how he knows what he wants to do and should do, but he can not carry it out. He shares how he keeps on doing the evil things that he does not want to do.

Yea Paul...I'm with ya...I do that too.

Every single year, since I can remember, I've make a list of resolutions that I just can't seem to carry out; so I end up feeling disappointed in myself, yet again. I can definitely relate to Paul's frustration of not being able to do what he resolves to do; Yet Paul never takes it to the conclusion that I do...He never considers himself a failure...why is that?

Turns out, Paul's conclusion is pretty much a 180 from mine, and when I read his reaction to his own failures, I was floored! It was a light bulb moment for me and at once I was able to pinpoint the exact place that Paul and I veered off into different directions in our quest for perfection.

Paul, after realizing his inability to carry out right behavior was quite different than mine.

While I like to wallow in my failures, all the while telling myself that I suck at resolutions because I'm weak and pathetic, inadequate and spineless -- Paul reacts in a much healthier, godlier way:

"I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different" (Roman 7:24-25 The Message Bible)

Paul goes on to say in Romans 8 that The spirit of life in Christ frees us from having to live under that dark cloud of failure. The Message Bible version of Romans chapter 8 is truly some of the most powerful, life-changing verses I've ever read. And they have inspired me to try something new...

So, this year I've decided to be resolute about one thing and one thing only...I resolve to treat each day as a new day in which I will do my best to trust in the Lord that He will provide me with exactly what I need to get through THIS DAY. No more and no less.

Maybe 2010 will be THE YEAR I keep my resolutions! I'll let you know how it goes.

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24