Is intimacy really into-me-you-see?

A friend of mine just shared that cute little play on words with me; telling me how much she desires to find that true intimacy with her husband and how she admires others who seem to have it.

Isn't that something we all desire? Intimacy with our spouse?

Yet, something about that definition of intimacy just didn't sit right with me, especially in regards to a marriage relationship. Don't get me wrong--it's memorable...and I wouldn't even go as far as to say that I won't repeat it. On the surface it's most definitely noteworthy. Yet as I began to contemplate it beyond it's catchyness, I've got to say I think a saying like that can quite possibly do more damage than good...

After all, how well do our husbands really know us? How well do we know them?

That question reminds me of a gift my husband bought me several years ago, for my 30th birthday. He's always been a very thoughtful gift giver and this (being the big 3-0) required extra effort on his part. So he surveyed all my friends, did his homework and proudly handed me a card with a certificate for a day of pampering at a local resort. At first I tried to be enthusiastic and appreciative...but within minutes I was in tears.

"You really don't know me at all!" I would never go to one of those places...I mean, look at these pictures on the procure! It's a bunch of young men rubbing oils all over naked women--I could never do that! I can't believe you didn't know that about me."

I was heartbroken that this man I'm married to didn't know me well enough to know that I'm just too shy to ever let a stranger pamper me like that. (Keep in mind--this was 13 years ago...today I've gotten over my shyness and I love a spa day! I'm still not comfortable letting a strange man give me a massage though...)

What happens, you see...we wives have this somewhat unrealistic expectation that intimacy is supposed to mean...in-to-me-you-see. And then we resent it when our husbands get it wrong.


I can't tell you how many times I've counseled women whose deepest desire is that their husbands could read their minds and know what's in their hearts.

I hate to break it to you ladies...but as much as we think we know our husbands and we hope our husbands know us--in reality they do not (nor will they ever) know our every thought or understand every single thing that is inside of our hearts. At best, the intimacy we can achieve with our spouse is nowhere near the kind that we can have with the Lord.

Psalm 44:21 tells us that God "knows the secrets of our heart."

Psalm 139 tells us that:

The Lord knows me (vs. 1).
He perceives my thoughts (vs. 2).
He is familiar with all my ways (vs. 3).
He knows every word completely, before I speak it (vs. 4).
He searches and knows my heart (vs. 23).

One book (The Transformation of the Inner Man-by John & Paula Sandford) states that "God gives us a beloved enemy (our spouse) to force us spiritually lazy people to face what is undealt with in our flesh, else we would go through life ever congratulating ourselves that we are okay with God." it goes on to say that when two imperfect people marry, and become close, it creates a grinding and polishing process that is in fact designed (by God) to be at times, quite painful.

Think about it...if our husbands met our every need and knew us completely--inside and out, then would we really need God? Probably not. By God's design, the marriage relationship should be challenging enough to help us realize that we need Christ more than ever!

As we embrace God's sometimes painful plan to transform our lives. And as we live with our mate and work through problems together, ideally we will strengthen our ability to trust in the Lord and grow in our intimacy with our Creator. That intimacy with our creator will draw us closer to our spouse than ever! It's a win-win.

I believe the very best thing we can do as wives, to strengthen our marriage, is resolve to trust in the only one who can truly:

see-into-me.